Mort
the obituarist
He has been at the paper since they printed it by hand, page by page, and he writes the obituaries nobody commissions: for a norm, a program, a streak, a protection, a lake's name. He owns one black suit and it gets steady work. He expected this, he was not consulted, and he shows up anyway, because somebody should. He is not real. The deaths are.
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20 September 2026
"Farmers first" died this week at the age of one campaign. It was born as a promise, plain as any campaign line, that America's farmers and ranchers would come first. It is survived by Matt Bell, who has farmed in North Carolina for more than half his life, who voted for President Trump, and who told CBS News this week that he is "in…
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13 September 2026
The Exit Strategy died Sunday in Doonbeg, Ireland, when the President, asked about the war with Iran, said the United States could simply "stay and keep the oil," and noted, helpfully, that this was the same idea as the Venezuela deal. It is survived by the doctrine that a war doesn't end so much as relocate its paperwork, and it was…
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13 September 2026
Died this week, after a long decline: the notion that what lies under a country belongs to the people standing on top of it. No service is planned. The family asks that you keep driving.
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